The Conversation

What is the conversation in your head?

Do you believe you're wiser? or just older?

I'm a 54 year old woman, and I'm feeling older. Not older than 54; older than the woman I know to be me. I don't know this 54 year old woman, I can't talk to her like I could the 40 year old woman I was, and she left so quickly, I barely had a chance to ask her what she was up to. I don't think I had one conversation with the 30-something woman I was, she was too busy living her life.

What would I say to the 30 year old me? "Soak it all in, Suck it up, and most of all, enjoy your kids, 'cuz they won't be there forever. Oh yea, and take some time off from worrying about the "important" things, yea, I got the whole "small stuff" idea, but when you're living it, it's important, and I would just tell myself that the important stuff (and the small stuff) takes away from the "living" stuff.

"It went by so fast! Didn't it? WTF???" See? that's my new conversation, and that's one depressing, non-productive conversation! It's self-defeating and, quite frankly, boring. So I try not to talk to myself. But then I remember some wise advice...

A true story. Recently, two teenage girls, going through that horrific time in their lives when it's almost too hard to be teenage girls (been there?), were given an exercise to help them understand that life does get better, an exercise to illuminate the idea of how becoming a woman can be empowering, and to give them a reason to hang in there. The exercise goes like this:

The Conversation.

Find a comfortable place to sit, close your eyes, take a deep breath, relax. With your eyes closed, imagine yourself on a shaded path, barefoot, so you can feel the cool, soft ground under you feet. Begin to walk forward, aware of the soft dirt on your feet and the cool shaded air on your skin, just walk slowly forward...Begin to look around you, are there trees ahead? Set the scene, whatever makes you comfortable.
As you walk along this path, look ahead of you, you can see a figure in the distance, walking toward you. Pay attention to the figure as she comes into focus. As you walk toward each other, I want you to become aware that this figure that approaches you, looks like you, but older. Notice her features, the way she walks with her head high and a confident smile, see looks as though she recognizes you, and is very happy to see you. There is something about her that seems Wise, and she holds her arms out as you near, she gives you an embrace, you feel her strong arms and her soft cheek against yours. You feel safe in her arms.
The two of you stand face to face, and you realize, without words, that this is you, as an older, wiser woman. Suddenly you have a million questions whirling through your head, she smiles and says, "Ask me anything."
Ask her about her life, does she have children? where does she live? is she married? has she traveled? what does she like to do? Ask her everything...get to know her...feel how much you love her, and how grateful she is that you are there.
When you are done, when you have run out of questions, she will take your hands and look into your eyes and tell you that you are welcome to visit her, any time. She will tell you that you are never alone, and that she will always be there, when you need her.
The most important part of this exercise is that when you are done with this conversation, you do not turn and walk away from her, you stand there, face to face, holding each others hands and smile, and simply open your eyes, you never leave each other alone, again.

You know who turned these teenage girls onto this exercise? Me. My mother committed suicide when I was 28 years old, I learned a lot from that, I learned enough that I know it gets better, I know there is a lifetime of living and when it's over, the conversation ends.

So I think this 54 year old me, needs to meet the 80 year old me, I bet she'll cheer me up!

Go talk to yourself!